I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
