my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
