My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
