I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
