I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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