I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
