If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize