he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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