connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
