I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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