She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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