We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
