Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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