I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
