Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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