No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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