8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
