happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
