i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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