I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
