People in love make me want to vomit
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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