They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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