Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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