you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
