I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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