At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
