You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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