well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
