i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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