When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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