He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
