Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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