Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
