literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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