i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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