how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize