so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
