i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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