I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
