Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
