Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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