i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
