I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
