Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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