Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
