He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
