The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
