Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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