Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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