I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
