put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
