She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
