Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize