guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
