thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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