Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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