Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize