I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
