...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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