I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
