:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
